People Interview with Reverend Run & Justine
Reverend Run (formerly of rap group Run-DMC) and his wife Justine spoke to People magazine about the loss of their daughter, Victoria Anne. The baby, who had been diagnosed in utero with severe birth defects, died hours after being born via C-section last September.
The March 31 article quotes Justine saying, "[Today] I can talk about it, but if I stop to literally revisit, I start crying so fast because I can go right there. Women need to know you only need to mourn quickly. Don't try to think of [the baby's] eyes. It doesn't sound nice, but it will help them in the long run. I wouldn’t have been able to help my kids get to school in the morning if my husband didn't say, 'We have to keep moving.'"
Reverend Run continues, "Diggy might have taken it the hardest, but I didn't let him. I had him out on the skateboard the first day. Basically we teach our kids thankfulness. We all cry, but not a long period of it. We don't have pictures [of Victoria Anne]. We don't look back. We don't want the walls of our house to start crying, and everything to just crumble around us."
I will refrain from editorializing here, but feel free to add your comments.
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8 comments:
although i don't agree i guess we all grieve differently.
I agree, I guess we do all grieve differently. My personal opinion is that forcing 'fast grief' means that it will bubble up and out in some other, painful way. But I hope for them that it doesn't.
I guess that I am comfortable in my grief and feel that it will take a very long time to come to some sense of normal. I hope that they do find what they need in how they are working through their grief and that their approach doesn't cause them more pain and difficulty in the long run. I certainly hope, though, that the general population doesn't take this article and the views presented as the "norm" for grieving stillbirth parents. Because, obviously, there is no norm.
Rev Run and family were on Oprah yesterday, where they showed a clip of the family in the delivery room after the baby died and how the parents delivered the news to their other children. Oprah then gave the family members a chance to speak about their loss. I was struck by the fact that the baby's name was never mentioned, that the children never got to see her, and that everyone in the family seemed to be stifling their emotions because that's what Rev Run felt was best for the family.
Although I accept that everyone grieves differently and makes a choice of whether or not to incorporate their dead child into their lives, as delphi said, what upsets me very deeply and personally about their response is that it is so public, and may do other families a disservice by suggesting to others around them that there is a fast track to happiness if one simply decides to put on a happy face and move on.
I hope Oprah does decide to do a follow up show about parents who have lost babies after all, to show a more realistic side of things. I also hope she has a child psychologist on to discuss the impact of the death of a sibling on children, because I am very concerned that the children in this particular family never got a chance to fully express their feelings about the loss of their sister.
I would like it to be made clear that their response was not necessarily the culturally typical response of an African American family, or a Christian family.
See, i agree with Julian's mom and admit the whole thing bothers me. I didn't see the Oprah show, or their reality show, and i don't know anything about them so i shouldn't really criticize. But i would say that the reason it bothers me is precisely what delphi said. I think that our society as a whole doesn't want to deal with the reality of grief and death, and 'they' (i.e. well-meaning family and friends) just want us to 'get better' and for the whole issue to 'go away'. There are people who seem to effectively grieve this way, and there is nothing wrong with that -- in grieving, it's whatever works for you. My problem is that society as a whole will *not* say 'it's whatever works for you'. 'They' say, allright, you had a few weeks, get over it already. There's a world of difference in those two messages.
So exactly as Julian's mom said, i would have no issues with Rev Run or his publicity if there was an effort to say explicitly that everybody reacts differently and what works for one family doesn't necessarily work for all families. Because even though this evident to us, i do NOT think it is evident to society at large.
I already wrote a lot about this on my Blog, so I won't repeat any of that here.
The only other issue I would like to bring out, is again what sort of confusion this might create in their living children. I have read in several places that you have to be very careful when you have older living children, because they will watch your mourning and assume this is the same way you would react if they were to die. So, in essence, some of their children might be thinking, "So... if I die, mom and dad will just move on quickly, they won't have pictures of me, and they will just be grateful for their other children." Yikes.
I always felt it was healthy for our living children to understand that our sadness, and our mourning, came from our deep love for their brother and sister. We certainly didn't overdo it, or dwell on it endlessly, but I know that my sons actually feel comforted to know that we will never forget Molly and Joseph, and they are always loved.
what everyone has stated is exactly how i feel. if i could be totally honest i was immediately angry when i read the article. not because they chose to move on and chose not to keep in any memories of their daughter. no, i'm upset because that's exactly the reaction and the way some friends and family and socity in general want for us to do. as if "she" was just a bump in the road but nothing to get stuck on...we need to get up dust ourselves off and move on. don't put your dead baby's picture up in your cubicle because it's uncomfortable for your coworkers. don't talk about your dead baby because other people don't know what to say. what do you mean you can't hold a newborn baby just days after your baby died? what do you mean you still celebrate her birthday?
people think if a child didn't live a long life (whatever that means) then they don't really count. you shouldn't feel that attached since she didn't live that long. but what's the difference between their daughter Victoria and their other children? why not hang pictures of Victoria around the house? why not hold her and have some kind of moments with her however short they would've been? why not? because it will make you cry? because it's too painful?
i don't know. i keep telling myself it's their way of grieving. but it just doesn't stop me from feeling the way i do about it.
grieve fast????? Is that even possible.
If I had read that soon after my own miscarriage, I would have felt inadequate in not only child bearing but grieving.
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