In place of the roundup due to illness...
I'm sick (nothing like a summer cold to screw up a perfectly good weekend) so I'm doing something in place of the blog roundup until I can concentrate on something other than blowing my nose.
I'm doing a meme.
I know we're all here because we blog (so clearly we don't need to be encouraged to share what's in our heads), but sometimes it helps to be asked to talk about something. Sometimes having permission to talk about what's in your heart feels really, really good.
So I'm asking.
Answer all the following questions or none of them. Answer them in your head, or on your own blog, or on paper, or in the comments section. Whatever feels right to you.
1. What do you want people to know about the child (or children) you have lost?
2. What names did you give (or plan to give) your children and why?
3. What rituals or ways of memorializing your children seem to best help you cope with their loss?
4. What are the kindest and/or most helpful things people have said to you? What are the worst?
5. Who is your hero? Who helps you make it through the dark days better than anyone else on the planet?
6. Is there anything you need to say or want to say but haven't been able to? Can you say it now?
7. How are you doing? How are you really doing?
As I said, answer all or none in any way you feel most comfortable. And know that your answers, if you choose to share them here, are safe because we all understand. And we care.
NOTE: I'll do a proper roundup early this week. I promise.
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7 comments:
4. The worst thing you can say is nothing at all.
One friend hasn't contacted me in any way, shape or form since hearing about our loss (I asked another friend to pass along the news and she said she did.) You don't have to use words - a hug or flowers may be very appropriate. And you don't have to make a grand statement - a "thinking of you" text message would have been enough.
Bea
4. The worst thing said: it's better this way...it was meant to be. (You know, the dead baby part was meant to be...)
How? For whom? WTF?
Thanks for the little vent. I'm too tired and overwhelmed to write much more, but getting that out felt good. Gee, sounds like the Bitter-Bus is pulling through Michigan again.
Sorry you aren't feeling well. I miss your usual roundup, but this was a great idea too!
Thanks for asking the questions no one does, and giving us a chance to think about and give voice to the answers.
Even if some people can't share their answers to these questions with anyone -- or even if they can't bring themselves to answer the questions at all -- there's a certain comfort in knowing that there's someone out there who's taken the time and effort to ask. Thank you.
As a Dad...
1. Despite his prematurity, Aaron was SMART. He responded to my and my wife's voices. Had he lived, I swear, he would been a smart, smart kid.
2. Aaron Keith Young
3. Volunteering with the March of Dimes has helped tremendously, as have organizing toy drives. Anything we can do keep his memory alive.
4. I don't know about the kindest or worst, but the best thing was from our old pastor. He said simply "You know, it's perfectly OK to be angry at God. He'll forgive you."
5. My wife, and my mother. They both know when I need some help, and when I need some distance.
6. I've never shied away from saying anything regarding Aaron.
7. I'm better. That's the only way to put it. I'll never be "right" again, but I can be better than I was before.
I hope you start feeling better soon!
1. They were wanted more than anything else in this world. And just because time has passed I still want them more than life itself and miss them with every ounce of my being. I LOVED every minute that I carried them.
3. I have a charm bracelet, and I bought two charms for it. One is a heart that says, "The Heart Remembers" and the other is a baby angel. I think about our babies all the time, and when I look at the charms it's just a gentle reminder that they are waiting for me in Heaven. I can't wait to hold them.
4. The kindest and probably most helpful thing people have said to me is, "We're praying for you and Jon. We don't understnad your pain, but God does, and He's able to comfort you like no one here on Earth can." And the other thing that I found most helpful was, "We're here when you need us. Call anytime." They weren't even pretending to understand our pain, but I knew that I could come to them if I needed to talk or I needed a shoulder to cry on.
The worst thing someone has said to me is, "You'll get pregnant again in no time." I didn't want to hear that. I didn't want to pregnant again soon, I wanted to be pregnant right then! The fact that they said that meant that they didn't see my loss as important and worthy of grieving.
5. The person that I look up to most is my husband, Jon. He was an absolute gem during those dark days when I lost our babies. I saw him cry (which I had seen before, but this time it was different). He held me. He took great care of me after my D&C. He made sure that I didn't do anything I wasn't ready to do whether that was sending an email or calling someone to tell them I wasn't ready to have people over, or taking care of the house and chores and cooking. He was just wonderful. And you know, he did all that while he was grieving, too.
6. I think if there's anything that I have left to say it's, "I am not weird or needy because of all this. I don't want people's pity. I just want their prayers. And I need to be reminded constantly that I am no less of a woman because I can't or haven't had children." That's the part that hurts the most because I do feel like a broken woman because of my infertility. I need that reassurance.
7. Most days I'm okay, but when I see a newborn, or I hear of someone who is newly pregnant I wish I had their life. And I have to grieve our losses and my pain all over again. I want a baby so badly, but more than anything I want Jon to be a father. It breaks my heart that the one thing I should be able to give him I can't.
Thanks for writing thiss
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